A LIFELESS FAITH

 

Dear reader, I seek solace and comfort in you.  

I honestly do not know how to start this. I hope you are holding up okay because I am not holding up okay. I have been having a hard time in my walk with God and if I am the vice president of panic, the president is missing. 

My bible reading and prayer life has been lackluster of late. I try to read my bible but when I do, it is only the black and white letters I see. When I bow my head in prayer my mind wanders off each time, finding it hard to even say amen every so often. I miss the time when my walk with God was the favorite part of my life. I miss the time when heading out for evangelism was a very exciting part of my days. I miss the time when I was an excited Christian, always happy to speak about the One who saved me. I hate that it is not been that way of late.

I have tried everything I can. I have tried to keep going even through the lackluster but it only gets worse. I have tried to take notes as I read my bible in hopes that I’ll force my mind to see and savor the glories of God in the scriptures again, but still I don’t. I have tried to pray in different places and positions but I still stop praying before my voice can be heard.

 Almost all the time, people know the causes of their problems and also how to fix them, it is just that taking action is something that is difficult to do, I don’t know why. As for mine, let me tell you something that Charles Spurgeon never said:

 “Sin will keep you from your bible, or your bible will keep you from sin.” –Dwight L. Moody

I know that what I do is sin and that I should not do it. But I do. This is not even a case of “the good I want to do I do not do, but the evil I do not want to do, this I practice.” I willing take myself to my sin, ignoring the voice of the Holy Spirit convicting me of it until He falls silent. Afterwards the guilt hits me really hard I have learnt to ignore both it and the one who can relieve me of it in forgiveness. I feel like I have run to God so many times asking for forgiveness for the same sin that now I am frustrated with myself. What is more frustrating is that instead of talking to God about this sin, I go back to it as if more of it can erase the guilt that I feel.

 In truth, I am like Augustine of Hippo who once said, “Lord, make me chaste (pure), but not yet.” His honest prayer reveals the love for sin that haunts my heart. I desire to love God and live for Him – but I still love sin. I hate that I love it, but I love it nonetheless.

 The sad part is that what keeps me from God is something that He gave to me. Remember the story in Luke 14:18-19? The one where men denied invitations from a master to a banquet because they had things to take care of. The first one said he had just bought a field and that he had to go and see it. The other two who follow gave similar excuses about oxen that needed taking care of and a wife who needed company. I’m sure you get it. Who do you think gave them the fields, the oxen and the wives? God. That is what sin can do; take the very gifts and responsibilities that God has given to us and turn them into excuses to avoiding Him – an idolatry that is hard to recognize.

 I guess the guilt I feel comes from the need to let go of my sin. I am not comfortable there. The guilt I feel is a reminder of whose I am. It is a wake-up call when I begin to settle in a place other than home. There is nothing in it for me because I find my worth in Jesus Christ. I can only find solace in hands that are larger than my own. 

 So I will plead with God to forgive me of my sin and to take away the guilt of it. I will plead with Him to show me the beauty of His presence[1]. I will ask Him to make me hope in the eternal pleasures reserved at His right hand[2]. I will also ask Him to help me to have the heart of Christ who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising shame[3]. I will live my life in servitude to the one who bought me with His blood. His reward will be my rest and recompense and that if I do not get attached here, I will find my rest in eternity.

 Chabala Sunkutu

 

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[1] Psalm 27:4

[2] Psalm 16:11

[3] Hebrews 12:2